My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
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*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*