I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
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Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.