Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
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Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
I believe the plural is “milves.”
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
My dad teaching me to drive