3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
You Might Also Like
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
I have never related to anyone more.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat