The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
You Might Also Like
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?