For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
You Might Also Like
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.