Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
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Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
These aliens are taking forever.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen