things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
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You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.