A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
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12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.