Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
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Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs