His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
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The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine