A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
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Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.