Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
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“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Saw online –
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.