My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
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Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty