’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
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*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
They did not think through this water fountain
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.