[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
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Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Order here:
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*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed