9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
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I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Just how popey was the pope today?
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
accurate
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.