Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
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my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
me after drinking all the wine:
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.