6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
You Might Also Like
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.