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if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
absolute chaos
Shark week, but for squirrels.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!