You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
You Might Also Like
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”