mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
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[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Meat Cute
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.