[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
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One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
3% human
97% stress
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.