I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
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Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
😂😂
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*