i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
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[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Yup
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Just the best dancing sandwiches.