We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
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I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.