Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
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He a real one for that
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
This is why I hate group projects
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?