me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
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What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
I’m giving up for Lent.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.