Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
You Might Also Like
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.