Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
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[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
My background check bounced.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
not to brag, but mine was free
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?