Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
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It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup