9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
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“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
so much to do
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids