“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
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I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
I thought this was funny lol
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.