guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
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Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
monday
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.