There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
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I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
More like Kate Missington.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played