[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
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HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
congratulations to them
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.