My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
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It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock