I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
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Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.