hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
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#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?