You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
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[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them