I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
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It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’