Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
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My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]