Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
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Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Hmm, not sure about this change
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah