Canadian owl: Eh?
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trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
I want this so bad
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.