Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
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Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.