I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
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Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
The three genders
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away