Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
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(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
normalize having existential bread
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.