Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
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Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
A friend helps you before you need it
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?