[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
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They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
OH. COME. ON.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.