This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
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my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.